The halfway point.
June 18, 2012 § Leave a comment
I am now officially halfway through this year we call Honours. This blog was born out of the confusion and chaos of this thing called ‘having to decide’ at the start of this year. Smack dab in the middle of 2012, I find myself in the same position – with the ticking of the clock loud in my ear, the weight of decisions starting to bear heavy on my shoulders, the future breathing down my neck. But. It’s not all bad.
Since deciding to come back to uni, here are some of the things I’ve been up to so far….
1) Living through an advanced stats course and Theories and Ethics in psychology.
2) Learning the great power (and responsibility?) of alcohol. *koff.*
3) Hating-then-falling in love with-then-hating unemployment again – Since starting to seriously put my mind to finding a job this March, all I’ve managed to find is a love-hate relationship with my current state of unemployment. I’ve sent out what feels like a hundred applications, gone to a handful of interviews in my best adult clothes, received a barrage of rejection letters, and…..nothing. Some days I forget and I equate my self worth with my (apparent?) inability to find a job and earn a living. And then on some days, like this one when I get up at 10:30 am and have breakfast till 12pm, I’m absolutely grateful that there is no pressing need to find one.
4) Learning how to be a researcher/baby psychologist – Never mind that I have absolutely no plans to become a researcher or a practitioner, it’s still a pretty cool experience to run my own lab. And no, a lab in org psych doesn’t involve any flesh-eating chemicals or even prison set-ups (a la the Zimbardo experiments), sadly…but it does involve a room full of computers and psych undergrads volunteering to be guinea pigs for a few hours worth of credit. It’s absolutely surreal to realise that a few years has passed since you were in their shoes, getting your little sheet of paper signed, thinking those people doing the signing of said sheet knew what they were doing and had their sh*t together. For the most part, I am learning that absolutely everyone adheres, to some extent, to my favourite motto – Fake it till you make it.
5) And then there’s that moment when you realise that you’re not faking it. You haven’t been for some time now. Technically, this point should come under the previous one, but this relates more to growing as an adult, as a functioning member of society. Yes, I have no job and and no concept of what a pay check is or what taxes are, but I go to meetings. Never underestimate the power of language and how ‘going to meetings’ to critique journal articles for publication or drafts of PhD dissertations can make your average collegiate bum feel like going from zero to hero. Of course it helps that over the course of said meetings, I’ve gone from feigning intelligence and nodding at the right moments to speaking up about current research and opinions about a certain subject matter. And while I am far from ‘making it’, I find that I am finding the need to fake it, less and less.
6) Finding fame (on facebook) by being in the newspaper – Okay, this is totally undoing my previous point about faking less, but in fact, I fake it so well that I managed to land my face in the newspaper!
There’s been a spike in my stats since I posted the picture on facebook, and I’m pretty sure I know why. My friends want to know – WHY? I’ll tell you a secret. It’s because I work under my absolutely fabulous supervisor who is the supreme jedi master of conflict research, the world over. That’s all. But I’m happy to take all the congratulations as they come and learn as much as I absolutely can from this fabulous woman who is opening doors to all these wonderful experiences.
Hmmm. Maybe this is the purpose of me doing honours. Maybe this is why I was led here by all the signs, all the twists on the road – to learn and to grow, to be absolutely enchanted by what I’m part of that sometimes it’s all I can do to sit and think how happy I am to just be there.
And happy I am, for the most part, although now the real challenge begins. Over this winter break, I’m about to start work writing up this thesis for real. While trying not to drown myself in carbs and a giant cache of tv shows. And maybe finding a job, finally. Wish me luck!