Making New Year’s resolutions in March

2011 had no year-end realisations, no year-to-come resolutions, nothing deep and thoughtful. I was tired, fed up about thinking and feeling too much, definitely lazy. I’ve been avoiding writing since I got back home because I’ve been avoiding examining my life now that I’m finally in the here-and-now, with no laters and tomorrows on the horizon.

Maybe this is the healthier alternative, after all. Sure, some famous guy once said that an unexamined life is no life at all, but surely he wasn’t talking about girls and how the female psyche works. When one of your bigger problems is to overthink your way into melancholic introspection, then surely to stop thinking and dwelling on one’s feelings is a step in the right direction?

This year, there aren’t any specific resolutions. (Don’t start asking why this is a New Year entry in March. It’s because I’m finally back from my staycation and have to face the real life.) I only have a very general one – it’s to say YES to anything and everything that comes my way. Maybe it’s partly inspired by Jim Carrey’s film, maybe it’s partly due to this apparent quarter-life crisis I seem to be having. Or maybe it’s me finally getting sick and tired of getting in the own way of my happiness. I’m tired of complaining that I’m not getting the most of out life when a vast majority of hours are whiled away in front of my computer watching movies. I’m sick of being bored with Melbourne and unhappy in it when there are perfectly decent (and maybe) lovely things to do out there that I don’t know about when I spend the majority of nights staying inside.

The freedom of saying YES: this year, I promise to be my own Jim Carrey.

It surprises me every single time I try something new and I fall in love with it (or at least learn something new). It surprises me even more how despite being aware of all this, I find myself apprehensive, even scared of new experiences, new places, new people. Most of the time I start shit-scared, I ease into it, and then I end up loving it (whatever that it might be). I love meeting new people, I love having new experiences, I love being scared about new things. Okay, no, I don’t love being scared. But I do love getting over the being scared part, that feeling at the end of the day that ranges from utter screaming triumph to a quiet “hey, that wasn’t too bad”.

Three months into 2012, I’ve dropped the ball once on my resolution. It wasn’t a particularly big one, but it felt like it, since it would’ve been totally new, totally terrifying, and it would’ve totally stretched me out of my comfort zone and maybe into unprecedented new heights. In the darkness of the small hours, I gave in to the terror. Only to find that it tasted absolutely bitter in the light of day. It was nothing but it felt like a loss, a huge nothing that occupied all the space in the room. I realised that feeling was the reason why I should never back down from a challenge, why I should try this saying yes thing and see where it takes me. This year, to say yes is to avoid the heavy weight of what-would-it-have-been-like-if, the keening loss of the maybe’s and the should’ves. I’m tired of No’s and I shouldn’ts, it’s-not-my-things. This year, there is one thing on my bucket list, and one thing only – to say yes, yes, and YES.

Wish me luck?

P.S. If there are any of my friends out there reading this, try me. I promise not to say no. (Or at least die trying not to.) 😉