The problem with me and signs
January 27, 2012 § 2 Comments
Can it be true when they say that some people aren’t meant to go on gap years, to go wild, to run with the wind and never look back?
My decision to bury my head in the sand lasted for roughly a month. Now I’m bound for university again, for even higher education. I’m not quite sold on the idea just yet, but at least it doesn’t repulse me and make me want to hang myself with the same intensity as it did before.
After months of soul-searching, deciding, moments of absolute liberation and crippling denial, I’ve decided to open my eyes and my ears, my heart to what the universe is telling me. When all signs point in the same direction, surely, that’s the way to go?
I’ve figured out why I’ve never really been the type who asks for signs and stuff like that. All along I thought it was because of my unfailing disbelief in things of that nature but now I realise it’s because I’m the type who gets signs (and lots of ‘em) and still does whatever the hell she wants anyway. Despite the unbelievable odds in getting offered a place in the first place (it was a 7.78% chance of being accepted), despite missing my offer letter into Honours from uni, despite going against expectations and making contact with only two of the five people I was meant to contact, despite testing the fates over and over and over again about taking this offer, I’m (still) in. I’m finally in.
I suppose there was some kind of freedom to be found in being lost, some happiness from the excitement that comes from trying to enjoy that state of not knowing. But when absolutely ALL signs point to a focused path, even I am not that much of an idiot not to take it. Waning denial doesn’t mean I’m accepting the facts fully, but I’m learning to, little by little. Pleading for the universe to “TELL ME WHAT DO” and getting answered to do “THIS” makes me mourn for the (apparently fun) path not taken. But I have my answer, at least for now. And there’s some measure of comfort in that, some calming of the storms of my troubled mind, some settling down of the riot that is my heart. The battle between my heart and my head is over. At least for the moment. It’s head – 1, heart – 0. And who knows? Maybe there’s a reason why the head’s positioned just so, above one’s heart. Maybe the head I’ve been fighting so much against is really my gut pointing me in the right direction.
Maybe there is no lack of answers to be found, no scarcity of signs to be shown, no dearth of arrows that guide you where you’re meant to be. Perhaps the key lies in knowing how to accept the answers when you get them.
“Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.” – Socrates
I’ll decide to take this as a chance to remake my undergrad experience – to study and to earn, to keep having more adventures, to take everything in as a learning process, to meet new people and make new friends, to enjoy myself, to roll with the punches, to fall but dust myself off and get back up again.
P.S. Photo credits go to my friend Tanya. Check out her tumblr!