January 27, 2012 § 2 Comments
Can it be true when they say that some people aren’t meant to go on gap years, to go wild, to run with the wind and never look back?
My decision to bury my head in the sand lasted for roughly a month. Now I’m bound for university again, for even higher education. I’m not quite sold on the idea just yet, but at least it doesn’t repulse me and make me want to hang myself with the same intensity as it did before.
After months of soul-searching, deciding, moments of absolute liberation and crippling denial, I’ve decided to open my eyes and my ears, my heart to what the universe is telling me. When all signs point in the same direction, surely, that’s the way to go? « Read the rest of this entry »
January 24, 2012 § 7 Comments
The other day, while on holiday, my grandma pulled me aside to share something she read from Theosophical Digest with me. It said that happiness can’t be achieved by looking to material things or experiences. I agree with the first part – new iPhones get old, shiny cars depreciate, state of the art laptops break. The second part, hmmm. Not so much.
I spent the last four days in Bohol, Philippines, soaking up the sun and the local sights. For non-Filipinos reading this (I mean YOU, Aida :P), it’s this little island off the coast of Visayas, an hour-long plane ride south of Manila.
Now I thought I’d try my hand at travel-blogging my first adventure of 2012. I’m not going to bore you with the nitty-gritty details of said trip (like how we missed our flight, how the cute little kid behind us pooped in her diapers and filled half the cabin with suspiciously adult-smelling odors, how many mosquitoes feasted on my limbs, etc.etc). Nope, we’ll stick to the highlights.
Highlight #1: Bluewater Panglao
Truly the jewel in the crown of our whole trip. I don’t think our trip to Bohol would’ve been the same if we’d stayed elsewhere. We knew it was going to be a good time the minute we set our bags down at their front desk with a member of the staff handing us cold towels and lemongrass juice, with a warm “Maayong Buntag!” (Good day in the local dialect). The place was gorgeous – it was all pools and villas, with violin music and cricket noises filling the air.
January 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
And then one day she realised that the effort it took to be weak and sentimental was far too much more than the strength it took to suck it up and keep walking on. She realised that the courage she had within her had been kept in storage for far too long, like a muscle that grows weak from disuse. Strength had atrophied, shrivelled up, yet was still there, nonetheless. Now taking it off the shelf, she blows the dust off of its top and polishes it till it shines. Just because she’s tired of whining, complaining, feeling helpless and sad all the time. Just because the want is too much to bear, too strong that she can feel its palpable presence, the weight of it, like a smooth grey stone in the palm of her hand. Because the black wave she feels starting to engulf her must be stopped. In order to change things, she must help herself. Perhaps this is the start. Perhaps this is the solution, the end. Maybe not talking about it, not allowing feelings to permeate every single thought, such that it oozes from her pores, is the key to the undoing of undoing. « Read the rest of this entry »
January 17, 2012 § 3 Comments
As per usual these days, life lessons come in the form of tv episodes. I’m learning a lot about being a woman, being in love and loving, but mostly, about self-respect and about leaving some for yourself because no one else will. People take and take while you give and you give, and this is as it should be. However, upon the disintegration of the relationship, or whatever it is that’s happening at the moment, there is no giving back, even if you both wanted to.
It’s s terrifying how love turns us into animals – hurtful and hurting, left with nothing to arm ourselves with in the fight to save ourselves. « Read the rest of this entry »
January 13, 2012 § Leave a comment
Maybe there is a certain kind of joy that is to be reveled in in not knowing. Maybe the excitement of waiting for what the future will bring is and should be just that – excitement. Maybe it’s all a matter of perspective, what the future holds.
Maybe the joy is not in the answer we seek but in the question itself that we ask.
Maybe i’m not meant to know everything and anything these days, at this point in my life. Maybe this epoch is for exploration and learning, of discovery of myself and of the greater world. Maybe the beauty is in the world surprising you with what it can suddenly offer.
Maybe I should love the freedom of choosing instead of being boxed in by the array of choices before me. Maybe there are no shoulds, only mays and cans. Maybe there is something in letting the dice fall where they may, letting water take its natural course, going with the flow.
January 10, 2012 § 3 Comments
I am perfectly aware that in the course of our days, we constantly negotiate and re-negotiate our present in order to influence our future happiness. I know this – we make decisions then we change them. We make little choices throughout the day as to what colour undies to wear, what to have for lunch, which movie to watch. And then we make the bigger decisions that take significant time and effort, maybe a period of soul-searching. Or two. I know all that and yet it takes me by surprise when I am faced with big decisions that need to be made every other day, that I’m starting to laugh at the great cosmic joke that I feel like I’ve been thrown into. « Read the rest of this entry »